This is Part Three of a 3-part series
The fear of being alone, separated, or abandoned is quite common. Yet these fears are often concealed by our personalities.
Personality is an interesting concept. Most people believe that their personality determines and defines who they are.
Personality is really a survival mechanism. Our personalities are patterns of behavior developed mostly by learning how to receive attention from our families, and how to feel safe or to avoid discomfort within our environment.
In other words, our personalities have been largely determined by our experiences. If we were showered with unconditional love and acceptance as a child, we may participate in the world rooted in deep confidence.
However, if we were taught that we must achieve specific accolades or participate in a certain activities in order to feel relevant to our parents and other influential adults, then we may walk in the world with a nagging feeling that we are never doing quite enough and that we are always falling short of being “good enough.”
Sometimes our personalities can be sneaky by masking how we really feel.
For example: As a child, Sally felt a sense of abandonment when her parents divorced. She saw her dad once every few months, and always experienced heartbreak when their visits ended.
Later in life, Sally had become so accustomed to detaching and separating from the people she loved that she moved every year to a new country. She loved to experience various cultures and making friends across the globe. However, staying in a familiar environment for extended periods always made her squirm in anxiety and discomfort.
While her friends used to praise her for being a fearless adventurer, Sally learned through therapy that she really feared the intimacy of personal connections which comes from grounding within a familiar environment.
Her nomadic personality had been developed to shield her from feeling the pain of separation and abandonment if ever she were to be left by a loved one.
Subconsciously, Sally believed that if she always left first, then she could escape the pain of being left behind by someone she loved.
While this seems like a winning formula for pain avoidance, this lifestyle became lonely and exhausting for Sally. She wanted to experience what long-term grounding within a community felt like, but she was terrified of the emotional risks associated with that lifestyle. It was time for Sally to walk through her fears.
To begin identifying and walking through your own fears, write in a journal, answering the forthcoming questions as honestly and elaborately as you can…
Remember that everyone has fear, and that our personalities are defense mechanisms shielding us from feeling the emotions we most fear. Our true selves exist beyond our personalities and on the other side of our fears.
By completing the following exercise, you will propel yourself further into emotional freedom.
1.When have you felt a fear of being alone, separated, or abandoned? Write about the experience in great detail.
2.Read what you have written and circle any words which correlate with a human emotion or fear.
3.Write the words you have circled in a numbered list.
4.Ask yourself this question for each of those words (emotions) in your list:
a.When do I feel this specific emotion?
b.What situations arise which make me feel this certain emotion?
c.When was the first time I remember feeling this certain emotion?
d.How have I traditionally dealt with feeling this emotion? Does this offer only temporary escape or permanent healing?
e.How does repeatedly experiencing these fears and emotions affect my personal and professional relationships?
5.Now, answer this: What may life feel like if I could heal these emotions and transcend these fears?
6.What new experiences would be available to me if I were not being ruled by these fears and deterred by these emotions?
7.How willing am I to keep working on my personal growth?
Stay tuned for more personal growth work via The Ripple.
In the meantime, you can explore classes, articles, and videos on this topic at www.amandablain.me.