The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.
Two years ago, the death of my husband seemed to take over my entire life. As time has moved forward, I have found that healing has happened, and yet in that process of healing from this loss, I have found so many other losses that nobody [ever] mentioned. Will you please write something about all the losses that happen after a highly-impactful loss in one’s life?
Secondary and tertiary losses can be incredibly difficult and are quite common. As you stated, they are also rarely discussed or acknowledged. The ripple effect of losses and being aware of them play an enormous part in someone’s healing process. There are many different types of loss — from death, health, self, control, retirement, age and all other changes in your life that lead to the natural and normal healing process called grief. When you have a loss, your entire way of living is impacted due to that loss.
Some can have a radical impact on your everyday living situations, such as bills, groceries, shelter and other basic needs. Rebuilding a sustainable foundation of life can be difficult, as each and every part of your life will have to adjust to the present moment. After the death of a partner, the rhythm of how you have been undertaking life is out of balance. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual thresholds become unbalanced and many conscious and unconscious ways of life are exposed, as they now require attention. Chores, social events, driving the car or being the passenger, having dinner, taking out the trash — none of these things seem to have a place any longer. Habitualized ways of life crumble and need to be rebuilt. The tapestry of life is complicated and can become unraveled with even one stitch removed. Grief from loss gives you the opportunity to reestablish a new tapestry by being aware of each of the intricate parts of life that have been impacted by your losses. Being aware that loss has an enormous and deep ripple effect can help prepare you in this process to be conscious of secondary losses.
By being conscious, you may discover new or forgotten strengths and victories that will help you walk with your loss. Being conscious also helps you on your way through the arduous process of learning a new way of being in your life, even if that includes grieving many parts that you wish were still there. Grief helps you redefine yourself and heal the most intricate parts of what makes you who you are and who you can be in the future. In this way, you honor your past while living in the present.
Until next week, stay safe and take care.
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at GWR@newmex.com or call at 575-776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.